🔒How to handle conflict in the workplace

Conflict in the workplace is a very personal thing, and it can be frightening, paralyzing. We live comfortably with differences, and we can handle disagreement. Conflict, though, is a dread.

When belligerence erupts in my face, directed very personally at me — with no doubt that I am considered deserving of contempt and insult — I burn with humiliation. Afterwards, I re-run the moment, the language, the fierce emotion, over and over in my mind. It is just as painful every time.

I feel ashamed and worthless. I know it's not deserved and I know every witness to the horrific event knows it, too. Still, nothing helps.

My work is bound to suffer. I can't perform effectively — especially in my higher-level and creative duties — when I'm distracted by this ever-present black cloud. Everything seems negative.

And, perhaps worst of all, I know I will do no better the next time it happens. I don't know what to do to make this go away.

Replay your accomplishments

Maybe you can't make it go away, but you can turn it into a terrific confidence-builder, believe it or not. To start, take specific action to block this malicious mischaracterization from occupying your thoughts so thoroughly. You have to turn this around.

Never allow yourself to feel helpless. Replace the mental replays of the conflict with deliberate replays of your most prideful accomplishments.

This will not be easy.

Essentially, you take charge of your inner picture of who you are. The attacker wants to poison your sense of self-worth. Put a stop to that. Your confidence and reputation are your property, and you must take vigorous, persistent action to preserve and enhance them.

Keep at it and, above all, keep moving. Do stuff. Make sure to be active in what you're good at. Never allow yourself to be dispirited, passive.

Combat is not your approach

Here's the situation: In your daily interactions, you respect people. Generally, they behave the same way toward you. Combat is not in your approach to the job.

In truth, you can expect periodic difficulties throughout life. In response, you certainly should not remake your behavior to be constantly on guard against attack and ugliness.

Instead, you should develop and/or tune up the skills in your relationship management toolbox.

The strategy is to build a strong inner sense of personal value and competence. Make sure to frequently (and privately) review your positive accomplishments, examine your mistakes and correct the causes. Learn how to track and improve your performance.

Conduct steady movement toward clear outcomes. No wobbling in the face of event and circumstance.

The tactics are developed through observation, practice and — if you're really serious —formal training and research. The tactics should be prepared, tested and in place for use in both predictable and sudden situations. What exactly will you say and do next time? How will you react, specifically, to others? There is no substitute for preparation.

Be calm and respectful

Predictable workplace events you should plan for include significant meetings such as those for performance reviews, discipline, promotion and proposal. Each scheduled situation should be thought through for clear understanding of purpose, participants, persuasive needs and assets, potential problems, etc.

Learn from watching how others do this, and from your own successes and failures. Think these matters through. You are calm and respectful, no matter what they're saying or doing. They yell insults intended to rile you, but does that cause you to lose your cool? No way. You keep your eye on the long horizon, the ideal outcome. You never allow yourself to become the problem.

Strategic and tactical preparation, plus practice, makes you a professional conflict manager. There's an immense payoff when you feel on top of difficult moments, never again a victim.