We are communicating constantly. But are the real messages we attempt to convey getting across? As social creatures, we long to be understood by others, and we are frustrated when misunderstandings happen, as they do so frequently.Before there were words, body language did most of the communicating, and today still represents 55% of overall communication. […]
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We are communicating constantly. But are the real messages we attempt to convey getting across? As social creatures, we long to be understood by others, and we are frustrated when misunderstandings happen, as they do so frequently.
Before there were words, body language did most of the communicating, and today still represents 55% of overall communication. These gestures and physical representations of how we felt were accompanied by grunts and groans — tones that still account for 38% of communication. Finally, language did evolve, but words themselves account for only 7% of how an overall message is conveyed.
As technology has ushered in so many easy ways to communicate — telephone, email, texting — the importance of that small communication channel, verbal words, hasn't gained any ground in effectiveness, but it certainly has been magnified. The inevitable result? More and more miscommunication — spurred on by haste, inattention and lack of awareness of how those words would land.
Our working vocabularies are woefully limited, and are dropping with newer generations as the reliance on words is erroneously perceived as less important (a picture is worth a thousand words, but is the perception of the picture truly accurate of the reality?). When coupled with spelling and grammatical errors, expressed words — a significant indicator of perceived intelligence and, in turn, credibility — play a major role in our communication skills.
Our reliance on phone and email correspondence has taken the largest channel of communication — body language — right out of the equation. So words and tone are everything. If you think back to your last miscommunicated email, or one you worried would be miscommunicated, you know that tone plays a huge role in emails — inferred by the reader, even when it is not the tone the sender intended.
That's unfortunate, yet how can you know when a tone has offended? Most people brood silently. And if you do happen to hear back, a sheepish reply of "Oops, sorry you took my message the wrong way…certainly was not my intention" hardly cuts it.
So, what do you need to know to be most effective in your communication? There are many specific words that you should 1) avoid entirely, 2) replace with other words, and 3) only use in certain language patterns, depending on context. But for the purposes of this article, let's focus on the five words you should include.
- Everyone knows that the person's first name is a favorite word, but when should you use it? Using a person's name repeatedly, especially in a sales situation, can sound manipulative and annoy. Your best bet is to use the person's first name only three times: in a greeting at the beginning of the conversation; at the end of the conversation in closing; and once in the middle, if needed, to punctuate an important point. That's it. The opening is to show friendly recognition, to establish rapport. The ending is to be polite and end on a friendly note. The middle, if used, is to emphasize a major point. When someone hears his or her name, they pay closer attention. Remember when your mother called you by your full name and you knew it was serious? Same effect.
- "Please" and "thank you" are still magic words. Use them liberally, especially in spoken conversation. [A caution! Rather than being polite, "please" can be subconsciously perceived as mean online.]
- Other magic words are "we/us" (inclusive) versus "you/your" (distancing). When we are on the same team, there is automatic likability, cooperation and a feeling of working together. We strive with shared interests toward common goals.
- "Yes and" — try this response to any question and you will be amazed at the power of the results. The affirmation of "yes" coupled with the additional information contained after "and" is truly powerful. "Do you want to help on this project?" [Not really; Jim is better suited to work on it.] "Yes, and I want to see Jim's contribution also." "How about changing that suggestion to my idea?" [Egad, no!] "Yes, and let's incorporate these other features that I proposed."
- The fifth magic word on the short list is "because," followed by any reason. This one works wonders, as proven by research published in several recent books. Just trust that it works; use it whenever you are making a request and need to be persuasive.
