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October 22, 2025 How To

How to quiet your inner critic and rediscover your voice

By Kym Dakin-Neal, guest columnist

vI’m about to present at a conference. I’ve done my legwork. Slides polished, visuals ready — everything’s on track to be … Nope. Not gonna say it. I refuse to jinx myself with that word. Speaking it feels like summoning Godzilla’s foot to squash Bambi.

Kym Dakin-Neal

I’m in a long-term war with “perfect.” Maybe you are, too.

My “perfect” is my inner critic dressed up in high heels and lipstick and Spanx — pretending to be helpful while whispering that I’ll never be enough.

Standards of perfection (courtesy of your inner critic)  

If “perfect” were a person (mine’s female; yours may differ), she’d have some defining traits — many borrowed from Tara Mohr’s "Playing Big."

  • Harsh: quick to pounce on any vulnerability.
  • Binary: you’re either brilliant or a disaster — never in between.
  • The voice of reason: “I’m only trying to help,” she insists, oozing fake concern.
  • Expert on weakness: “You’re not good at ___,” she hisses, filling in the blank with whatever you most need right now.
  • Holder of high standards: she wants your “best” but never lets you reach it.
  • Talented mimic: she can sound like your mom, your ex or Aunt Eunice.
  • The voice of hesitation: “You’re not ready! You need more time, more credentials, more everything.”
  • The body critic: too old, too young, too weird. Never enough.
  • Her favorite trick: if you procrastinate, she calls you lazy; if you act, she mocks your results.

The high cost of impossible standards 

When “perfect” runs the show, authenticity leaks out. I’m scanning for a map that only she can read, terrified of a wrong turn. Fun becomes impossible — even in joyful moments. “Perfect” drains energy faster than any workload ever could.

Perfectionist = the stickler saboteur 

Those who know Shirzad Chamine’s Poositive Intelligence model recognize “perfect” as the judge or stickler saboteur. Everyone has one — especially the people who seem most put-together. 

The free saboteur assessment can help you spot which voices are sabotaging your progress. I use this tool constantly in coaching — it’s fast, compassionate and clarifying.

Embracing the ordinary

The School of Life offers a short animation called Why You Don’t Need to Be Exceptional. It’s a gift to those of us who chase excellence until it hurts. The narrator notes that about 20% of us are “super-strivers” — compelled to achieve, win and be remarkable — yet miserable in the process.

Patricia Ryan Madson, a theater professor at Stanford University and author of "Improv Wisdom," urges us to make peace with being ordinary. Her advice: lower your expectations.

Wait — what? Lower them?! That phrase alone makes my inner critic clutch her pearls. But who set those expectations in the first place? Yup — Spanxypants herself.

Whack-a-mole perfection

“Perfect” shows up everywhere. In my training work with medical residents, I hear it constantly: “Interview complete? Perfect!” “Breast exam done? Perfect!”

In a clinical or gynecological setting, that word can sound deeply evaluative — and unintentionally insulting. It’s become the new filler word, the “uh” of the professional world. Time to retire it. And no, “Great!” isn’t an upgrade.

She’s everywhere

Once I started tracking “Perfect,” I saw her fingerprints across entire organizations. Imagine her running your company: relentless, demanding, robotic. She insists we perfect our products, our processes, our productivity — and ourselves. What’s the definition of a completely perfect employee? That’s right. A robot. And you thought the AI revolution was just about efficiency

Putting perfect in her place

So, how do I handle my own internal dominatrix? By giving her something she loves: a list. I hand her a new notebook (or a shiny app) and let her make all the lists she wants. She stays busy, perfectly productive and — most importantly — off my case. Until next time.

If you’ve been battling your own perfectionist, take seven minutes to watch Charly Haversat’s TED Talk on "The Nirvana Fallacy." Then, if you’re ready to quiet your inner critic and rediscover your voice, schedule a discovery session with me.

Because sometimes the most courageous thing you can do — onstage, on the job or in life — is to let yourself be imperfectly real.

About the author

Kym Dakin-Neal is director of Voice Into Learning LLC and a certified coach specializing in effective communications. She can be reached at kdakin56@gmail.com.

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