March madness | The drama and dreariness of town meeting season is upon us
If the traditional New England town meeting didn’t exist, we here in Maine would have to invent it just to add a tad of excitement to our lives at this thrill-challenged time of year. They say when our Colonial ancestors first started experimenting with the town meeting concept, they tried scheduling their meetings in other months like May, July, September, even October. After a long period of trial and error, mostly error, New England towns finally settled on March because, as they rightly observed, March is unquestionably the most useless stretch of days that ever the human mind concocted.
Think about it. What else is there for decent, hardworking citizens in Maine to do in the dreary month of March but sit around on rock maple chairs in a heat-challenged town hall for three or four hours and argue with neighbors about the condition of the town’s roads and how much should be spent to make them passable. Even those rare towns among us inhabited only by enlightened citizens can easily conjure up a problem or two in March, when the weather has a way of making even the most ideal situations seem worse than they really are.
Maine weather can change from good to bad to worse in the blink of an eye, even on a warm August afternoon. The further we get from the warm days of summer, the faster the weather can change and the more foul it can get. By March, the weather can become really nasty whenever it wants. And just to show it doesn’t favor one type of weather over another, it can begin a March morning by serving up a good deal of snow, followed by sleet, freezing rain, driving rain, back to snow, another burst of rain and on to blizzard conditions, all before it’s time for lunch. The rest of the day can be anything Mother Nature wants it to be. It’s March in Maine — a great time to hang out at the town hall.
Those who are into conspiracies — and who isn’t these days — like to think that town meetings were set in March by ruthless town road commissioners who have a sick sense of Maine humor. They argue that no one in their right mind would vote against a road budget, however bloated, after riding over a few miles of the town’s disintegrating roads. The ride to town meeting in March is argument enough to spend whatever it’ll take to get them back in shape.
It’s said that anyone in Maine still in their right mind makes plans to enjoy the sunny climes of our country’s southern regions about the time March arrives in Maine. Good point.
Civic duty
Some of Maine’s “new age” and “trendy” towns — with no respect for stodgy New England tradition — have abandoned March meetings altogether and now have their town meetings in unsuitable months like July, or worse yet, August.
But experts on small towns know that March is the best month for these strange civic gatherings. In March, we’re much less likely to be bothered by pesky out-of-state visitors. Who else would you find in Maine in March except people who thrive on cold, dreary weather?
Old-timers knew you couldn’t work in the woods in March because of the mud, and for the same reason you couldn’t do much plowing or planting in your fields, either. What better time to get together and argue about all of the town’s unpleasant business than March? Get it out of the way before the nice weather arrives.
Back home when I was a kid, the town manager who planned our March meetings was Amos Mathews. At selectmen’s meetings, people would ask him questions like, “How many people work for the town these days, Amos?” He would scratch his head and then say something like, “About half of them.”
Amos also had a framed needlepoint sign hanging on the wall behind his desk. It read: So little time; so little to do. He was a true civic employee.
I heard recently that Amos finally retired and they’re planning to name the town hall’s new wing after him. Selectmen have hired a new town manager from away named Fred Clark, who says he plans to tear up the pea patch in town and finally get some things done.
I just hope he doesn’t reschedule the March meeting. The town, in March, needs all the excitement it can get.
John McDonald, an author, humorist and storyteller who performs throughout New England, can be reached at mainestoryteller@yahoo.com. Read more of John’s columns here.
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