Perennial pitches | It's infomercial season again, and supplies of hyperbole are unlimited
They're back in Maine again, and better than ever. I'm talking about "gizmo" ads that air on Maine television stations whenever ad rates drop low enough for them to spawn, like late January. The ads always make the modest claim that their products will absolutely revolutionize the way you live.
Do they work? Well, Ron Popeil, founder of Ronco, became a billionaire through the clever use of nothing but locally placed gizmo ads. Who can forget the pocket fisherman, the in-the-shell egg scrambler, the chia pet and the clapper? Eat your heart out Thomas Edison!
This season's gizmo ads follow in this illustrious tradition and, like their predecessors, they always pitch items worth $60 that are laughably priced at only $19.95, plus that "modest" shipping and handling fee.
Each year I look forward to the gizmo ad buys and this year's offerings did not disappoint. That's because I just learned that if I act now my $19.95 (plus $7.95 shipping and handling) will get me the life-altering Grip n' Flip, with patented gripping action, PLUS the Scoop n' Strain AND the 6-in-1 Kitchen Utensil.
I can hear the cynics out there carping now. "John, have you gone nuts? What possible use would you have for something called a Grip n' Flip??" Fair enough.
To the uninitiated, the Grip n' Flip might sound like something you'd use to extract a confession from an uncooperative suspect, but you'd be wrong, Bunky. The Grip n' Flip is actually an ingenious kitchen device, the latest in a seemingly endless line of such "revolutionary" devices.
The Grip n' Flip is an ordinary spatula with a "patented" gripper on top that allows you to grab something in your skillet from the bottom AND the top, all the better to flip with, my dear. It's so simple you have to ask, "Why didn't I think of that?" The important thing is someone did think of it and life on Earth is now better because of it.
One of the great things about these ads is that the hyperventilating announcer always promises that the extraordinary items featured will solve problems in your life you didn't even know you had. Or solve problems so far down your list of problems that you hadn't gotten around to fretting about them.
But how can you ignore an announcer when he promises that the items he's pitching will do nothing less than transform the way you prepare, cook and serve your food? How will these items achieve this change in my kitchen, I hear you ask.
Well, for starters, the announcer says you'll have no more broken yolks and there'll be no more chasing that sausage around the skillet again, EVER! The Grip n' Flip also gives you the luxury of being able to turn over one strip of bacon or turn over THE WHOLE BATCH.
I can hear the revolution starting now. But no matter how revolutionary this thing is, there's no way you'd spring $19.95 for it so - true to form - the announcer kicks it up a notch promising to throw in the equally life-altering Scoop n' Strain with the patented straining grid BUILT RIGHT IN, allowing you to scoop, strain, measure, pour AND serve.
But wait: THERE'S MORE! Act now and you'll also receive the 6-in-1 kitchen device that's a whisk, tong, strainer, salad server, slotted spoon AND kitty box cleaner, all in one.
Still not enough to make you reach for your wallet and retrieve the one card that might not be maxed out? You're a tough one, Bunky.
To close the deal, the announcer finally promises to send you TWO Grip n' Flips, TWO Scoop n' Strains and TWO 6-in-1 kitchen utensils - a $60 value - for just $19.95 plus, of course, that modest shipping and handling fee.
I'll only add that you must act now because, as always, supplies are limited.
John McDonald, an author, humorist and storyteller who performs throughout New England, can be reached at mainestoryteller@yahoo.com.
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