Travel guide | Cruising a site for Maine tourists turns the humdrum downright splendid
Everybody wants a bargain these days. Well, I think I just found one. You say the cold weather and our never-ending winter are getting you down? That they’re beginning to wear on you a bit and are making you no longer fun to be with? That even though you can’t afford it at the moment you need a vacation in one or another exotic place, but you’ve already been to Mechanic Falls and Vassalboro so you’d like some other suggestions? Is that your trouble, Bunky? Is that what’s making you droop those baby blues? Well, don’t just sit there like an arthritic Peter Pan. Do something about it!
The other day I was checking out different sites and stumbled on a private website someone put up to promote Maine tourism, www.visitmaine.net. Before my eyes my home state — the state I know only too well, but love anyway — the state I’ve seen from Kittery to Caribou, from Rockport to Rangeley, suddenly unfolded as an intoxicating and beautiful destination. Where has this place been all my life?
On the tourism home page was a map of Maine with each region a different color. To be carried off to a particular region all I had to do was point my mouse and click. To begin my journey, I clicked the Down East area, only to read: “Centuries ago the explorer Samuel de Champlain named it ‘L’Isle des Monts-Deserts,’— the island of barren mountains. From the splendor of these mountains of Acadia to the spectacular beauty of dawn’s first light in Lubec, Down East will awe you. Feel the joy of spotting a whale offshore or an eagle’s nest in Moosehorn National Wildlife Refuge. From glacial rock formations to quaint towns and seldom-explored lakes and woods, Down East beckons you.”
I loved being beckoned. Suddenly I didn’t feel like I was living in a cold, wind-swept outpost where winters last for five months and where people struggle to keep warm and pay their heating bills. No, I was suddenly in a place of “spectacular beauty.” What a great place to relax. Feeling uplifted, I then clicked on York County, the gateway to our state, where I read: “Graced with miles of white sandy beaches and acres of farmland and pastoral countryside, the Southern Maine Coast welcomes you. History and geography come together in a montage of images you’ll treasure forever. Outlet shops, antiques, boutiques, resorts and Maine’s best seafood is here to savor. Enjoy a cruise along the coast, canoeing on Mousam Lake, an electric trolley ride or the thrill of oceanside amusements. Open year round, the Southern Maine Coast has it all. Let us entertain you.”
After reading that, I had all I could do to keep from grabbing my hat and coat and running out the door.
Greater Portland then beckoned: “Listen as the waves wash over the rocks at Cape Elizabeth; listen as the cymbals of the Portland Symphony signal a passage from the 1812 Overture. View colorful boats in Casco Bay and colorful designer clothes at the mall in South Portland or a Freeport outlet.” Where has this “colorful” place been all my life? Continuing my journey, I then clicked the Midcoast region: “Like fingers reaching into the sea for its treasures are the peninsulas of the Midcoast. Hardy souls along these shores build the vessels that explore the ocean for the food it provides. Let your imagination paint each image for your mind’s eye to see forever. Offshore islands and rolling countryside, the Wyeths’ brushes and the sword of Chamberlain — from Stockton Springs to Brunswick, the Midcoast’s rich heritage, formidable character, and charming personality await you.”
Wyeths’ brushes? Fingers? OK.
The Kennebec region was a natural choice: “Imagine the sparkling waters of the mighty Kennebec River, the picturesque mountains dotting the Appalachian Trail, and crystal clear lakes at every turn in the road. You have entered the realm of the Kennebec and Moose River valleys, beginning at historic Fort Western and the capitol in Augusta.” Wanting more, I clicked the icon marked “Maine’s Highlands”: “The waters and mountains will lure you here and then lull you into a dreamy serenity. It is a place of natural delights: forested mountains, sparkling lakes, crystal blue skies and starry nights. Winter brings fantastic snowmobiling, skiing and ice fishing.”
Finally, it was time to head home. I clicked the map for Western Maine and — I’m not kidding — this was the opening line: “Imagine you’re a snowflake, one of millions cascading down the ski slopes of Western Maine. You’ll create exciting runs for skiers, snowboarders and snowmobilers.”
A snowflake? Well, be it ever so flaky, there’s no place like home.
John McDonald, an author, humorist and storyteller who performs throughout New England, can be reached at mainestoryteller@yahoo.com.
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