‘The talk’: Bringing up estate planning with your family

When parents have teenagers, “the talk” usually refers to a conversation about birds and bees, but as children age into adults there is another equally hard but necessary conversation — about estate planning.

Whether parents wanting to inform their family or children trying initiate conversations about the future, talking about estate planning can be hard because it brings up mortality and very tough realities.

Photo / Courtesy SPinnaker Trust

Zachary Smolkin, chief trust officer at Spinnaker Trust.

Determining where your assets go, end-of-life care, and even who has guardianship of minor children are all reasons why plans should be made in advance, according to Zachary Smolkin, chief trust officer at Portland-based Spinnaker Trust.

“It is one of the most difficult and almost awkward conversations that people have with their children, or even children raising it to their parents,” Smolkin says.

“As a child, you don’t want to make it look like all you care about is their money.”

Parents may have their own reasons for avoiding the conversation.

“There are several reasons why parents are concerned about having that conversation,” Smolkin says. “It can be that they’re very private and don’t want their kids to know what their finances look like. Or, on the other hand, they could be afraid that an inheritance would make their kids lose their drive to get good jobs or go to school.”

4 tips for estate planning conversations

1. Be general: When first approaching an estate planning conversation, you can be very general. Broaching the topic and starting the conversation is an important first step. The detailed elements can come further down the line as the planning progresses.

You might start the conversation with, “I have some assets that I am dividing between the family, I would like my son to be my health care proxy and my daughter to be the personal representative.”

Something just to get the ball rolling is helpful so that people can be open with one another.

2. Explain your logic: “In the process of having these conversations, I think it’s really important to give the reasoning behind what it is that they’re doing,” Smolkin says.

Whether a testator, or person writing a will, is giving larger sums to charity or giving more funds to one child than the other instead of dividing assets equally, outlining logic is key.

Ultimately it is the testator’s decision what to do with assets, but explaining the reasoning beforehand can hopefully spare resentment and disagreements in the aftermath.

Preparing your family with what to expect can make the process smoother and ensure no one is blindsided.

3. Plan for personal items: The word “assets” suggests money and property, but often it is the sentimental items that mean the most to families.

It could be heirloom jewelry, grandma’s dining room table or a favorite lamp. Sometimes it is the littlest things that can mean so much to family members and remind them of those who have passed.

Through his estate planning experience, Smolkin advises people to have open and honest conversations about the sentimental items that mean the most to them during the conversation.

“The goal of having these conversations and doing an estate plan is to keep the family together, and to minimize the discord that could happen in a very stressful, difficult time,” he says.

4. Focus on the person: It can be hard for children to broach the topic to their aging parents, but having a plan can make sure a family is abiding by the last wishes of their loved ones.

Instead of focusing on assets, realize that an estate plan can help figure out whether a loved one wants a funeral service, burial, creamation and so on.

Smolkin advises an easy way to break the ice is to just be upfront and say something such as, “I just want to make sure that we understand what your wishes are so that we can carry those out. We want to make sure that we’re doing what you want us to do, that the assets are going where you want them to go, and we just want to make sure that there’s a plan in place.”

Focusing on the person you love and having a plan in place before can provide some stability during times of grief.

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